Searching for balance
Searching for balance, without knowing what the word really means, where to find it or how long it will take until it shows up.
I took a week off from training. My body and mind have been feeling off lately. What drove me to make the decision to take a break was an evening on the couch feeling exhausted and asking myself “why do I feel so tired?”. Then I had a quick look on my training schedule the past weeks to try and find a pattern, and I could see that I had been logging on average 25 hour training weeks for several weeks without any breaks. 25 hours is definitely more than I’m used to — especially if it goes on for a long time without much rest. And in between sessions, the “sitting down” part involves working on the computer, coaching clients, preparing podcasts, and more. No wonder I’m tired. My stomach has been playing tricks on me too, I’ve been struggling with gastritis for several months and a constant feeling of being bloated, as if I had gained several pounds.
Of course, it’s not only the intense training weeks. There’s a lot going on in other parts of life, too. I recently found out that I have several torn ligaments in my left ankle, and to make a long story short — I will need to have foot surgery this fall. I will tell you more about this later but for now, you can hear me talking about it in the latest episode of the Run with Love Podcast. This injury is definitely draining my energy, mentally and physically. After tearing my ACL in a skiing accident in 2019, having surgery on my knee and then working hard with rehab for a long time, I had been looking forward to my first summer season being 100 % fit and ready to finally race again. That, and to really push my body again without having to be worried about a past injury making itself reminded again. And then this whole thing with the foot began.
One step forward, two steps back. It’s time to get ready for the rehab-surgery-rehab process again, and to embrace the unknown. In these moments it’s easy to think “why me?” and in all honesty that’s exactly what I’ve been doing a lot lately. But on my stronger days I choose to trust the process and understand that life is like a wave — there are ups and there are downs, and pain & suffering are a part of life just as much as the joy and laughter.
After a week’s break — going only for walks and doing yoga — I am still not quite sure what balance means to me, but I for sure know what not having it feels like: a body and mind constantly fatigued and deprived of energy. When 1 out of 10 workouts feel good and the rest pretty shit, and the head is not even motivated to get out there on the trails, you know something’s not quite right.
In one of her latest posts @tinaemelie said that the difficulty of being an athlete is not so much to get the training done — but to get enough recovery. That’s always been my struggle. I love it so much, I never want to stop. But at the same time, if I love it so much, shouldn’t I be more careful about nourishing this relationship?
It’s funny because I always tell other people to “listen to your body” and yet oftentimes I struggle to do so myself. I try to do my best, but I’m not perfect.
One week is not a lot in terms of recovery, and I know have a lot to learn about balance still. But I want to believe that taking this week off is at least a small step along the way. I want to feel strong and healthy, not only for the mountains this summer, but for the rest of my life.
This post wasn’t supposed to be a chance for me to pity myself, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s tthat sometimes it is okay to feel sorry for yourself, instead of using the “suck it up” attitude and simply burying all your feelings inside.
I hope that you, wherever you are in the world, are feeling energized and balanced — and if you’re not, that’s okay too. Remember: Life is like a wave.